I woke up this morning with somewhat of a heavy heart. I knew that this feeling was completely misguided and there was little reason to have such a feeling but after enjoying the soft touch of my own bed and walking around my house for a bit I realized that I was about to embark on a journey that would change me forever. That's when I got to thinking. Do I really want to change?
I lay in my bed, looking up at the bottom of the upper bunk, asking this question over and over again in my head. My immediate reaction is something like "Of course! Change is always better!" but a small part of me is still screaming out and reaching for that last little bit of survival; a hope to cling to the old ways. But as I think about it more and more I come to realize that I already have changed. A change occurred in me the moment I stepped over the threshold into that menacing group of panelists, or the second I opened my mouth to address the school board.
I went out today. I didn't really have anything interesting to do or really anything at all but I realized that this was probably one of the last chances I'd get to see my brother this year and it just felt right to go out. We went to Target first, stopping only to get some undershirts for the trip. We were in n' out in a flash and soon we were off to god knows where. I had expressed interest in the Nike Outlet Store in Marina Square earlier but I had no idea that he would have remembered that.
On the car ride there we didn't really talk much, or at least not about anything pressing. I had never really been close with my brother until the summer between his senior year of high school and freshmen year of college. Of course being brothers we were always physically close but I'm talking about that sensational feeling of closeness where you know that you actually share a bond with that person. Those feelings were some of the toughest to battle and as we sped down the highway I wondered if he was having those same feelings for me as I was about to head out into the world.
As these feelings crossed my mind I came back to what I had been thinking about earlier laying in my bed. We are constantly changing, there's no disputing that, but what really creates change in a person? Can one person or one thing really have that much effect on a person or is it something larger and more menacing? These are only some of the questions that I've been asking myself today, and as I zip my last bag shut I know that, at least metaphorically speaking, I'm zipping shut a part of me that I won't see again for a long time, if at all..... Well... time for Game of Thrones! Jusqu'a la prochaine fois!